[New Year, New You] Day 5: The Secret Ingredient in Chocolate, Sex & Sunsets
Welcome to Day 5 of our 21-Day New Year, New You Challenge. Yesterday we discussed why your willingness to observe what’s happening in the present moment will significantly improve your ability to overcome obstacles and reach your goals in life. This is especially true when you’re trying to accomplish something you’ve failed at many times in the past.
Whether it’s losing weight, building a business, or making a loving relationship work, the sting of past failures can cloud how we perceive what’s happening in the present moment and compromise our ability to get back up, or trust ourselves enough to try again. If you’re struggling with that kicked down feeling, yesterday’s blog and podcast will help. Today I want to talk about pleasure, and where it really comes from, so you can tap into it and turn up the volume on it even more.
Pleasure is your spiritual pay check and the “grand prize” for playing at the game of life. The more you get, the more fun living is. Chances are good when I say “pleasure,” you may think of things like sex or chocolate, or hot summer sun on your skin. But let’s stop for a moment and consider the bigger picture–what is it you’re really looking for in these things you associate with pleasure?
There’s one thing sex, chocolate and sunsets have in common. There’s one thing about them that brings you pleasure, and as soon as you identify what it is, you’ll start to experience in the simplest experiences in your life, and it will start to show up everywhere you turn.
The Secret Ingredient in Sex, Chocolate & Sunsets
What you get from chocolate is the exact same thing you get out of sex, sunsets and snotty-nosed sob sessions after a sappy movie– it’s sensation.
Sensation is the energetic flutter of life as it moves through you.
You’re in it for the feelings, Baby!! As long as you believe that chocolate, sex and sunsets hold the key to your happiness, you’re in for some disappointment. I know, because I don’t even like chocolate, and sex can be just as pleasurable as it can be awful. A lot depends on how you feel, what’s on your mind at the time and who you’re doing it with (just to get started)!
But pleasure isn’t in the object you’re seeking, it’s in you.
Some kinds of energy and sensation you like; (sex, chocolate, playing with kittens, etc.). Some sensations you really don’t like (losing your keys, scraping your knees, or having a gut-wrenching breakup with someone). But whatever it is, you can chalk it ALL up to sensation–the energy that you experience when life happens.
The braver you get about your willingness to experience different kinds of sensations, the easier and more pleasurable life becomes. On the other hand, the more you try to avoid certain kinds of sensation, the more tense, stressed and easily upset you’ll become.
The Sting of Your Sins of Silence
You can’t have a conversation about pleasure without also looking at pain. Pleasure is the sensation you’re running toward, and pain is the sensation you’re running from.
When you were taught The Golden Rule, or given a moral code for life, chances are pretty good you were informed on the fact that stealing, killing, beating people up and lying are “bad” and that if you do any of those things, you’re going to get some kind of pain and punishment (i.e., burn in hell, go to jail, lose your friends, freedom and loved ones).
Most people got that memo and know that they’re not supposed to act in ways that cause harm to life.
But few of us got the memo about how we can cause harm to life and ourselves by the things we FAIL to do, but our inaction. For most of us, our moral education growing up didn’t include a discussion about the cost in pain and suffering that would come about if we didn’t speak up, or didn’t stand up for ourselves and the things we believe in. We didn’t get the lecture on what happens in your heart for the rest of your life if you silently sit by and watch something happen that you know is wrong, but do nothing to stop it.
Since you were warned about the dangers of doing “bad” things, and got given a whole lot of messages about what kind of behaviour was considered socially “acceptable,” or “appropriate,” when difficult circumstances arrive, most of us have a tendency to hold ourselves back. We restrain ourselves, hesitate or withdraw because we feel that it’s safer to err on silence than making a mistake. We’re supposed to avoid conflict. not ruffle any feathers or rock too many boats.
And yet, one of the biggest things that stings your heart and holds your energy hostage every day, is the pain and loss you feel for the things you didn’t do, the words you didn’t say, and the problems you didn’t stop from happening.
How To Rock More Boats and Ruffle More Feathers
Take a little look back at your life, and try to recall a few moments where you knew there was something you could do or say to solve a problem or handle a situation, and you did nothing.
Maybe you were afraid of getting in trouble, being rejected, or failing in some way. Whatever it was, chances are good that in those moments of inaction–those moments where you failed to step up, stand up, or speak up for yourself, or something you believed in–a big part of your livingness, attention, and energy got stuck there.
After that moment, I’d be willing to bet life took a sharp left turn off the track you were intending to go.
Wherever you try to “avoid” certain kinds of sensations or experiences, you’re pretty much guaranteed to walk right into them head on. Consider little things like an apology, a thank you, a phone call or a bill to pay. When you don’t face and handle something that is uncomfortable, it stays stuck in your space and continues to take up your attention and energy.
It acts like a leak in your energetic boat because by not facing and confronting it, you’re more likely to spend time thinking about it, worrying about it, while you’re avoiding it. The actual time, attention and life energy it takes from you is likely more than if you would have just tackled it head on!
Your endless thinking or worrying about something is like sinking in that broken canoe in crocodile infested waters because you didn’t even try to paddle, or jump or swim! At least if you face the crocodile and try to paddle or swim or jump your way out of the river, you’re either going to survive and come out the other side feeling like a freakin’ hero, OR you’ll get eaten.
But then, hey, at least you died feeling really alive, right? At least you really went for it and gave it your best!! Which brings me to the punch line about pleasure:
The Paradox of Pleasure
The degree of pleasure you experience in life is directly proportional
to the size of obstacles you overcome.
Let me say that again. It’s a doozie!!
The degree of pleasure you experience in life is directly proportional
to the size of obstacles you overcome.
Do you realize what that means, Little Buddy?
It means that the more you sweat, kick up dust, and make a fuss while trying to reach your goals, the more pleasure you’ll have when you finally reach them. That’s why the best things in life really are worth fighting for!
That means…
…your obstacles are actually more important for your pleasure and satisfaction in life than your goals. Think about that!
If you could just snap your fingers and get whatever you wanted when you wanted, it would be cool for about three snaps, before you would get bored out of your skull and have no pleasure at all in reaching your goals. Think about how satisfying it would be for a world class soccer team to win against a team of 4-year olds. There’s no contest, no struggle, no suffering, and so no pleasure!
Your obstacles are more important for your pleasure and satisfaction in life than your goals!
You Are As Alive As You Are Willing to Communicate
My little punch line these days is, “You are as alive as you are willing to communicate.” “Communicating” isn’t talking. It’s not public speaking. It’s getting in there, facing life and tackling it head on. It’s being present, seeing things as they are and sticking your teeth into life. It’s wrestling a crocodile because it will make you feel more alive and engaged than twenty hours contemplating your navel on a stuffed pillow!
I know you’re here because of your goals, and the fact that you’re making them, and sticking around to read this with the hope that you’ll make them happen means you’re an EXTRAordinary person. At the end of the day, tough stuff, it won’t matter if you achieved your goals nearly as much as it will matter that you dared to face and overcome the obstacles you encountered while reaching for them! That you got messy and sweaty trying to make them happen!
So get out there, Gorgeous! Sex, chocolate and sunsets ain’t got nothin’ on the pleasure that comes from sticking your teeth into life with courage and confidence no matter what you’re trying to do. Speak up, step up and stand up for the things and people you believe in and show life who’s boss. Then let me know how good you feel when you get to the other side!
Thanks again for being here, and I hope to catch you again tomorrow!
Love,
Tera