[New Year, New You] Day 16: How to Spot Your Enemies
Being a good, kind person, you might assume that everyone else is, too. But chances are good that you’ve already experienced a person or two along the path of your own live who appeared to have been working against you. If you’ve ever had accidents, injuries, illness, or struggled with self-confidence, that you have met or been very connected to someone whose intentions seemed that they were not in your best interest.
We’ve discussed that it’s very hard to change the things you’re not willing to comfortably face, and we’ve also looked at the fact that sometimes the reasons we cannot face things comfortably are because we don’t fully understand them, or because your attention is stuck in past failures, losses and disappointments.
Another reason that some situations are difficult to handle is because you don’t see them as they really are–you see what you want to see, NOT what’s actually there. It’s very important to listen to people’s words and understand their intentions. Sometimes wolves do hide in sheep’s clothing, and not being able to spot one can have dangerous consequences for you health, happiness and overall well-being in life!
Use Your Stress Level As a Test
We’ve talked about how to pick your friends, and now it’s time to spot the enemies. One of the best ways you can do that is actually by observing your physiological responses in relationship to other people–by paying attention to how you feel “inside” your body, and your attention and where you put it, as well as your ability to focus when you’re in the presence of different people. These will be MAJOR clues to who is on your side, and who is working against you!
Most doctors agree that “stress” is behind most serious health conditions, and at least 90% of medical visits!! Few people define exactly what “stress” is or where it comes from, or offer any more solutions than mediate, relax, get exercise and time outside. These are helpful tools for sure, but what few people understand is that the primary source of all stress comes from a relationship dynamic where someone is feeling squashed, stopped, kicked in the teeth or attacked, and they don’t know what to do to stop it.
In our society, you’re not allowed to shoot people to get rid of them. You are, however, legally allowed to insult people. You’re legally entitled to kill people’s spirits with insults, attacks, invalidations (saying that what they think or believe isn’t true or isn’t important). Given what we’ve been talking about with respect to our beingness (values, character, beliefs, goals, dreams, etc.) are actually more important to our overall well-being than our physical/material aspects of life, I admit I’d rather have a broken arm than a broken spirit. You can’t steal ten dollars from someone legally, but you can steal their dreams and hopes without penalty.
An overwhelming majority of people are good people, who do not intend to cause harm. Sometimes, out of their own confusion and pain, there are some highly intelligent, people who do know the rules and use them to their advantage–there are people who will consistently, slowly, insult, degrade and wear you down. You’re not allowed to throw them overboard, or stick them on a boat and send them off into the middle of the ocean to be eaten by a while, the pressure of not being able to do anything about it IS stress.
What “Stress” Looks and Feels Like
Stress is someone “pushing down” on you to such a degree that you feel there’s nothing you can do about it. It isn’t a helpful or motivating amount of pressure, it’s crushing, crippling pressure. And it isn’t necessarily related to work or a long to do list, it often has to do with emotional and relationship dynamics between people that seem impossible to solve, understand or handle.
Here are a few examples of how “stress” may have appeared in your life:
- someone trying to prevent you from getting ahead.
- someone older, stronger and more influential than you, trying to tell you you’re not good enough, not capable enough, or not a good person.
- someone trying to keep you from understanding something that would influence your health or well-being in some way. (Given these last two examples, you can see how easily ‘stress’ could come in situations where people are given exclusive levels of trust, power or influence, but whose intentions are shady. While it certainly isn’t true for all people in positions of power, sometimes the people wearing the whitest coats; priests, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. have been guilty of significantly oppressive behaviour. Part of how they got away with it was because of that inherent position of trust and power and influence which made them very hard to fight back against. This is particularly true in the field of mental health where patients are already accused of being “less rational.”)
- someone you care about telling you your ideas or dreams or goals are stupid, unimportant or impossible to achieve.
- any relationship dynamic or situation (usually it always involves someone else) where you feel there’s nothing you can do about–you’re “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
When stress takes hold, it can immediately and directly start to affect your body’s health, your attention, your ability to function and produce and participate in life. And sometimes that is exactly what another person intended!
Specific Conditions Related to Stress
There are countless articles on the subject of stress and what follows is a list of conditions I compiled from several different articles (see references at the end of the chapter) on the subject. These are all conditions which have been determined to be significantly affected by STRESS! I encourage you to actually read these conditions so you understand how truly pervasive the influence of “stress” is on our overall health and well-being.
- Heart disease
- Asthma
- Obesity
- Diabetes
- Headaches/Migraines
- Depression
- Alzheimers
- Accelerated aging
- Premature death
- Skin conditions like eczema, psoriasis and rashes.
- Respiratory conditions, difficulty breathing
- Reduced immunity, and so therefore greater susceptibility to all common colds and flus!
- Insomnia, nightmares, disturbing dreams
- Eating disorders
- Allergies
- Anxiety and panic attacks.
- Jaw clenching and pain which can have a massive effect on teeth, swallowing, back and neck pain.
- Grinding teeth.
- Stuttering and stammering
- Neck aches, back pain, muscles spasm
- Fight headedness, faintness, dizziness
- Ringing, buzzing or “popping” sounds
- Frequent sweating or blushing
- Cold, sweaty hands and feet
- Herpes sores
- Unexplained or frequent “allergy” attacks
- Heartburn, stomach pain, nausea
- Excessive belching, flatulence
- Constipation, diarrhea, loss of control
- Chest pains, palpitations, rapid pulse
- Frequent urination
- Diminished sex drive or performance
- Worry, guilt, nervousness
- Increased anger, frustration, hostility
- Increased irritability and edginess
- Frequent or wild mood swings
- Increased or decreased appetite
- Difficulty concentrating, racing thoughts, ADHD, and other learning difficulties.
- Forgetfulness, disorganization and confusion
- Difficulty making decisions
- Feeling overwhelmed, overloaded
- Frequent crying spells, and suicidal thoughts
- Reduced interest in personal presentation/appearance
- Reduced interest in being timeline, frequent lateness
- Nervous fidgeting and foot tapping, etc.
- Increased number of minor accidents
- Obsessive compulsive behaviour
- Reduced work efficiency and productivity
- Lies, excuses to cover up poor performance
- Rapid or mumbled speech
- Reduced ability to communicate, or express one’s ideas
- Social withdrawal and isolation
- Increased suspiciousness or defensiveness
- Constant fatigue, weakness, tiredness
- Frequent use of over-the-counter drugs
- Weight gain or loss without diet
- Increased use of smoking, alcohol or drugs
- Excessive gambling or impulse buying
That’s a seriously long list of conditions, and all of them have been significantly or entirely brought about by stress. And let’s remember that “stress” is just that feeling you “can’t do anything about it.”
Now this isn’t to say that diet and nutrition and other factors don’t influence health, because obviously they do. But when the person perceives “stress,” the body is sent messages that are intended to enable it to run from tigers! That amount of surging stress chemicals tugging on your heart, circulation, respiratory system, etc. for short or long periods of time can have severe consequences. The more a person feels under stress, the less motivated they become to look after themselves, or prioritize their health and well-being. This leads to more harmful food and lifestyle choices, and so the downward spiral begins.
The Best Way to Dissolve Stress
As you read through the list above, you can no doubt see that many of those conditions, would have even greater negative effects on a person’s ability to function productively in life, get things done with focus, and have healthy relationships with others. And these all come about as a result of increased pressure on a person–not pressure that is motivating or inspiring. Stress is something that cannot be easily solved, otherwise it wouldn’t be stressful. Often it takes place when we feel nothing can be done about a situation.
The more you feel you can do something about it, the less stressful any situation will be. This is why taking courses in self-development, working with a good therapist, or even having a supportive teacher, mentor and friend can go a long way to reduce stress, and help you find solutions to overcome difficult situations. Sometimes all you need is a different perspective.
As soon as you feel something can be done about it, the pressure immediately drops, and stress can be managed. A lot of stress management tips involve “breathing” techniques, or exercise, time outside, time with others, and a “put things in perspective” approach to understanding problems. That’s because all you really need to solve a lot of stress is a shift of perspective!!
What I hope this list of conditions does, is demonstrate proof that when you are under fire, then your productivity and focus will suffer and this can significantly impact your results in life. The longer an individual is exposed to stress, or feels they’re in a situation they cannot solve, the more their body health, communication and confidence will suffer.
Beware the Snake in Monkey’s Clothing!
When you feel you’re in the presence of people who allow you to take up space, and with whom you can be true to your goals, beliefs and values, without threat of punishment or invalidation or rejection, you can assume you’re in good company.
When you feel your ideas or opinions are made wrong, or that you’re with someone who is trying to make you feel smaller, doubt yourself and question your goals and abilities in life, you can be sure you’re looking at a snake in monkey’s clothing.
“The opportunity to secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands,
but the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.”
-Sun Tzu
We’ve talked about truth and personal integrity and how staying true to yourself and your goals and perceptions is key to living a healthy, empowered and prosperous life. The truth is, there are people whose intentions and objectives are not in your best interest. The more you look, the more you will SEE it is true. Not by following your “feelings” as much as observing the results of the actions people create. Observe their productivity. The results of what they do, vs. what they say they do. Look at how easily communication happens around these people.
Even at the heart of the slimiest snakes, there’s really just a person who has become so burdened by confusions and misunderstanding, by pain, loss and past failures that they act out of these pains rather than overcome them. When life truly does control a person more than they control it, they succumb to the very powers that acted against them, and in turn act them out on others.
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies,
we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
You Have to Know When to Let Go
There’s a lot to do to make life go in the right direction, and time is in short supply. While it is valuable to you (most of all) that you find compassion and understanding about as many people as possible, it is not necessary that you be everyone’s friend.
In fact, continually investing in relationships that do not support and uplift you can be significantly detrimental to your health and overall well-being, especially when you are struggling to overcome personal health, professional or family obstacles. While it may seem like an act of kindness to tolerate or repeatedly endure the unkind and inappropriate behaviour of others, no one ever got better by making others worse.
No one ever got better when they were allowed to “get away” with something. The laws of life are older than stone and cannot be avoided. Good exchange, honesty, productivity and the courage to communicate are all the tools that will boost you and if you allow other people to harm you or others, nobody wins.
Biting your tongue is not the way to keep the peace. Speaking the truth, is a much more fiery, but certain, path to get there. If not peace on Earth, at the very least you’ll achieve peace within yourself. When you understand what truly makes life work, you will insist on living it yourself, and demand it from those you love and care about. Sometimes we’re reluctant to deal a harsh blow, to stop interacting with someone, or to say “no” and put an end to uncomfortable or unkind behaviour (even if only for a while). But no person who was allowed to get away with treating others poorly ever amounted to very much in life–certainly not in the long run.
One of the best things you’ll ever do is choose where you put your time, attention and admiration consciously. By choosing your friends and valuing your time and attention enough that you invest it in those most deserving and most willing to flow back to you, you help life go in the right direction and your admiration and attention become more and more valuable.
If you are an antenna, putting out the frequency for good things in life, then you owe it to yourself, and you owe it to life, to prioritize the people, situations and investments of your attention that will make you the biggest, brightest, high-frequency antenna you can possibly be! So I’m very glad you’ve chosen to spend so much time and attention with little ol’ me!!
References:
http://www.lifescript.com/well-being/articles/i/illnesses_caused_by_stress.aspx
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-symptoms/art-20050987