[New Year, New You] Day 9: Alive As You Are Willing to Communicate
Today is Day 9 of our 21-Day New Year, New You Challenge and it’s time to talk about one of my favorite topics–why you are as alive as you are willing to communicate! I strongly recommend you check out the podcast which was created to accompany this blog post over here.
While we all know about the power of anti-oxidants and omega fatty acids, few people discuss the fact that you are as alive as you are willing to communicate. What makes some of us more able to communicate and others crawl into our shells? What tricks and tips and solutions can we find to feel more able to confront difficult and uncomfortable situations in our lives. Let’s start at the beginning with a look at the only two kinds of communication that are possible and three big reasons why it might not be working the way you expect it to.
If, in your life, you have had a tendency to avoid ruffling feathers, rocking boats and are more likely to bite your tongue than bite someone else’s head off, you will benefit a lot from the tips in this article and especially the podcast I created to accompany this blog!
Two Kinds of Communication
If you keep on filling a glass of water, without stopping to take a few drinks, eventually it will spill. If you are driving with a full tank of gas and never stop to fill it up, eventually you will be stranded on the side of a road. Communication is a lot like many other kinds of energy in life, it works in flows. There are essentially only two kinds of communication; incoming communication and outgoing communication. There’s communication you put out from you to others and the world around you, then there’s the communication from others and your environment which is coming in at you.
When the balance gets out of whack, as in there’s a significant imbalance of flows, you can start to feel kinda funky. For example:
- If you listen to too many lectures and read too many articles without taking that information and sharing it, applying it, using it, talking about it, doing something with it, you’ll feel kind of stuck in your head. Whereas, if you learn information and also get the chance to apply it and put it into action and get results, you’ll feel really motivated to learn more.
- If you let someone talk to you too long without putting in a few of your own words, or sharing your thoughts and ideas, you may end up feeling irritable or overwhelmed.
- Think of how you feel when you send an important message to someone and you’re waiting for them to reply. What about when you send a message and don’t hear back, or when you call for someone and they don’t answer.
When it comes to relationships, if this balance of flows gets out of whack, it can be especially frustrating. Many long term health conditions have behind them stressful situations with difficult people.
If you struggle with your courage and communication, it’s not your fault. You were never really taught how to communicate–never given a system, or a method to the madness of the making relationships work! But you’ll be happy to know there are some helpful, practical simple tools you can learn and here’s one of the most important lessons to start with:
The Biggest Communication Mistake People Make
In order for your communication to be effective, for your friends and loved ones to feel understood when they speak to you, the one thing you’ve got to be, is present. You’ve got to be there–present and fully attentive to the conversation taking place for it to be successful. That might seem over simplified, but consider the following:
It might be hard to remember, but long before headlines and billboards and other people’s opinions started interfering with your worldview, there was a time when you weren’t worried about the future, never really got stuck in the past and definitely didn’t care what people thought about you! You were too busy enjoying life, making things happen and being fully present in the moment while busily creating the wildest future you could imagine for yourself.
Usually that went along just fine until there was something or someone that really hurt you, or caused you significant upset, pain and confusion. The more those moments accumulated, the more you started to think before you acted, second guessed yourself and decided it might be better to bite your tongue than get rejected, refused or feel stupid for saying something “wrong.”
You may not even remember all the moments like this in your past, but whether you remember them or not doesn’t stop them from influencing you. One of the biggest reasons you’ve got the brakes on in life is because at some time in the past you crashed, it hurt and now you’re being careful. Part of our attention got “stuck” along the path of time and so sometimes, even though we think we’re being present, we’re really not!
Have you ever found yourself speaking to someone who seeming to be staring right through you while you were talking? Do you recognize that glassy-eyed glare plastered across their eyes?
Even if a person doesn’t say it, you feel it, you know it, you can just tell when someone’s not being fully “there.” Whether it’s happening to you or the person you’re with, here are three things to trouble-shoot and get that glassy-eyed stare outta there so real communication can happen!
Reason #1. There could be something you didn’t fully understand.
Sometimes you “check out” of a conversation because there’s something you haven’t fully understood. If someone uses terms or concepts you don’t fully understand, you can draw a blank, get spaced out and lose the connection. (The same thing happens when you’re reading–have you ever gotten to the bottom of a page and realized that you have NO idea what you’ve just read?)
That’s because there’s something you didn’t quite understand, or half way understood, or got confused about something else, and now there’s a big blank there preventing you from fully “being there” or preventing someone else from fully being there with you.
Imagine how many children would NOT be on ADHD medications if teachers knew and applied this piece of information. What if kids didn’t have “attention deficits” but were confused, didn’t fully understand what they were being taught, and so were spacing out and getting distracted?
Be attentive in your communication and ask for clarification when there’s something you don’t understand, but on the other end, if you feel someone is checking out from your communication, ask them if they’re still there, or if they’re thinking about something else, or if they’re still listening.
Being spaced out makes you a lot more stupid than asking someone to repeat themselves if you didn’t understand them, but more than that, it shows you really care and are interested. I’m terrible at history, so sometimes people tell me things and I don’t know what they’re talking about. I would much rather err on letting them know than pretending I understand and having an insincere connection. Most people are happy to help explain themselves if you don’t understand something.
And if they don’t, then maybe they’re not worth talking to in the first place.
If you’re not sure you really understand someone, or are having trouble feeling connected, be willing to ask questions and get interested enough to understand. Then the karma boomerang is going to come around and hit you back, and you’ll notice people will be a lot more interested in and connected with you, too.
Reason #2. You don’t have enough sleep or proper food.
If you’re tired, hungry or worn out, then you are way more likely to get distracted, misinterpret what people tell you and be more reactive, explosive and sensitive in your communication. If you’re not rested or properly fed, you’re going to very likely have communication upsets. Before you have any major conversations about difficult issues, if tensions are high and there are things to address, make it a matter of personal policy to get enough sleep and get enough rest before you start talking about it. Also, once it starts getting late at night, like 10pm, then save it for the morning. Do what you can to shake hands, get a good night’s sleep and you’ll be surprised how many problems have dissolved into the pillow case because it was actually fatigue talking, and not you or the other person, anyway.
These suggestions may seem basic, but in the busyness of life and the over-promotion of pharmaceutical solutions to for every feeling under the sun, these “little details” are often overlooked. Taking care of yourself really is vital to being able to be there fully present in your communication with others and in life, in general!
Question #3. Your attention is stuck somewhere else.
Sometimes, in spite of our best effort to say all the right things and communicate with kindness, we get “triggered” and seem unable to control our reactions or make sense of our responses in light of what’s going on around us.
Everyone has a past. The more that past contains moments of pain, loss, unconsciousness (either from injuries or illness, drugs, alcohol, etc.) the more likely there are to be previous situations or communications that couldn’t be easily handled and solved.
When you’re under pressure or tired and hungry, emotions of the past move in on you and compromise your ability to communicate even more.
You won’t feel like yourself. You won’t feel like your reactions make sense. Upsetting and painful moments of the past and anxieties about the future can cause our communication to be stifled, stuck and even irrational. You need to be able to spot when this is happening and go back to step 2. Make sure you’ve got good food and adequate sleep in your body then come back and try another round of communication again.
The Bottom Line
It doesn’t really matter WHY you’re not there in communication, it matters THAT you get there in communication and DECIDE to be fully present to the people and situations in your life. Life is in you right now and the choices you make today determine what happens tomorrow. Regret about the past and worry about the future pull you further away from the opportunity to have rewarding, empowering communication with others and that means a rewarding, empowering experience in life!
CHOOSE to be present. Get the rest you need, the food you know your body wants, then speak with courage and a brave heart. Definitely check out the podcast! There’s a fantastic exercise, and if you do it, you’ll really see and feel that you are as alive as you are willing to communicate!
Love,
Tera